It's been a long time since you've seen him/her but the memory has lingered for years. They were the flyest thing walking the campus. Well groomed, well spoken, intelligent, beautiful personality, attractive - all that you were seeking in a girlfriend/boyfriend. Unfortunately, the circumstances at that time did not give you the green light to pursue him/her. The timing was all off and the only thing you could do was admire him/her from afar. Why?! Because he/she was attached to your friend - your really CLOSE friend. The one person you confided in at the time; the person you went to the cafeteria, football games and the clubs with. The man/woman you wanted to make YOURS was attached to your friend - and there was nothing you could do about it.
Until ... now!
You run in to this man/woman at a local lounge. It has been at least ten years since your friend and the chick/dude you wanted to be with were together. They didn't end up married and they are no longer together. You're single and so is he/she. Yet, you guys still share that common thread - your friend! Now, the commond thread (i.e, your friend) is no longer attracted to this person and they have even moved on to bigger and better things. However, you are still friends with this person and so is their ex significant other.
So, the question is: Do you pursue the man/woman who you wanted back in college but couldn't have then and you still want today? Do you honor the friendship and not go after this man/woman even though your friend has moved on? Is your friend's ex from many moons ago now fair game? If so, why? If not, why?
- fin
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
What YOU Won't Do ...
... another man/woman WILL! Ha!
Ok ... before I continue please read the following the disclaimer.
(clearing throat)
DISCLAIMER: If you experience allergic reactions from discussing sex and its natural encounters then THIS here post ain't for you! For those of you who are intrigued by the subject and aren't afraid to discuss it - anonymously, if you choose, please feel free to proceed!!
Now, where was I?! Yes ... yes ... yes ... SEX! Rather ... what you won't do, another man/woman WILL! Yeah ... I opened with that statement, right?! Well, this is one of my favorite phrases uttered by Mo'nique during her "Queens of Comedy" standup. So relevant and so applicable to most black women. Sisters, please know that I am not trying to call y'all out in this post. However, I do want to start some virtual dialogue about why black women refuse to do certain things in bed but want certain things done to them (please refer to my "Head, Head and More Head" post).
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be pleased sexually. And there is nothing wrong with liking what you like and wanting it done frequently (ladies, holla if you hear me). Yet, when your man asks you for special treats and favors you shy away from the topic, screw your face up, roll your neck, pop that tongue and say: "Oh, I know you didn't just ask me to do that shit." Well ... yeah ... he did. And when YOU asked him for full-service treatment he didn't hesitate. He handled his business and served it to you just the way you like it.
And in the era of 'Becky' giving and when Becky (real Becky) is giving it RIGHT, y'all are still being prudes in the bedroom unwilling to try new things with your man. Laying in bed with your arms folded talking about: "I am NOT watching a flick with you." On the phone with your man while he is away on business saying: "Hell no, we ain't having phone sex." All he hears is no! What about 'yes'?! It'll help him AND you.
I was reading one of my many relationship books the other day and stumbled upon a chapter that revealed that black women aren't having sex as frequently as women of other races and ethnic backgrounds. If this is true, it would explain a LOT! lol. It would highlight why so many black women are like ticking time bombs. I mean THEY say sex is one of the best ways to relieve stress - yet y'all ain't getting to it the way other women are. And if y'all ain't getting it and y'all ain't working out ... then how are y'all alleviating your stress?!
Now, I'm not condoning pre-marital sex so you can get that shit off your mind. I am, however, suggesting that black women become more open and expressive with their sexuality. But, for those of y'all who aren't and won't, why is that?! What keeps you from developing your own alter ego and turning into the woman who turns herself and her man on?! Is it the historical stereotype that hinders you? Or is it something else?
- fin
Ok ... before I continue please read the following the disclaimer.
(clearing throat)
DISCLAIMER: If you experience allergic reactions from discussing sex and its natural encounters then THIS here post ain't for you! For those of you who are intrigued by the subject and aren't afraid to discuss it - anonymously, if you choose, please feel free to proceed!!
Now, where was I?! Yes ... yes ... yes ... SEX! Rather ... what you won't do, another man/woman WILL! Yeah ... I opened with that statement, right?! Well, this is one of my favorite phrases uttered by Mo'nique during her "Queens of Comedy" standup. So relevant and so applicable to most black women. Sisters, please know that I am not trying to call y'all out in this post. However, I do want to start some virtual dialogue about why black women refuse to do certain things in bed but want certain things done to them (please refer to my "Head, Head and More Head" post).
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be pleased sexually. And there is nothing wrong with liking what you like and wanting it done frequently (ladies, holla if you hear me). Yet, when your man asks you for special treats and favors you shy away from the topic, screw your face up, roll your neck, pop that tongue and say: "Oh, I know you didn't just ask me to do that shit." Well ... yeah ... he did. And when YOU asked him for full-service treatment he didn't hesitate. He handled his business and served it to you just the way you like it.
And in the era of 'Becky' giving and when Becky (real Becky) is giving it RIGHT, y'all are still being prudes in the bedroom unwilling to try new things with your man. Laying in bed with your arms folded talking about: "I am NOT watching a flick with you." On the phone with your man while he is away on business saying: "Hell no, we ain't having phone sex." All he hears is no! What about 'yes'?! It'll help him AND you.
I was reading one of my many relationship books the other day and stumbled upon a chapter that revealed that black women aren't having sex as frequently as women of other races and ethnic backgrounds. If this is true, it would explain a LOT! lol. It would highlight why so many black women are like ticking time bombs. I mean THEY say sex is one of the best ways to relieve stress - yet y'all ain't getting to it the way other women are. And if y'all ain't getting it and y'all ain't working out ... then how are y'all alleviating your stress?!
Now, I'm not condoning pre-marital sex so you can get that shit off your mind. I am, however, suggesting that black women become more open and expressive with their sexuality. But, for those of y'all who aren't and won't, why is that?! What keeps you from developing your own alter ego and turning into the woman who turns herself and her man on?! Is it the historical stereotype that hinders you? Or is it something else?
- fin
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Half On A Baby
I am so blessed to have such a diverse group of girlfriends who are either in their early, mid or late 30's. They have great careers, they own homes (often times multiple homes), they own businesses and they lead incredible social lives. Some of them even have healthy and productive relationships. For many (who aren't in relationships), the one thing missing from their profile is a child. Now, many of them are undecided as to whether or not they want kids, some already have had children and others are waiting to be married before going there.
Yet, there are a few of us (and I include myself here) who know that we want to bear children - regardless of the status of our relationships. Many of us have considered taking the 'donation' approach so that we do not miss out on the opportunity of becoming mothers. Yet, there are so many factors that have been considered keep some of us from rushing to this decision.
For me, personally, I have always believed that I can raise a child on my own but so much comes in to play. I can sit here and tell you that if I have kids the 'donation' way that they will be loved and have a plethora of male figures to look up to. I can say that I will be the best mother for my children and really mean it. I can elaborate further and use my own life as an example - my parents didn't raise me, my grandparents did. I can provide a safe and nurturing environment for my child; I can love him/her unconditionally; I can discipline them with love; I can instill in them morals and ethics. I CAN do all of these things ... but I haven't. I haven't been able to bring myself to do so.
There are so many factors that keep me from proceeding with this desire. I have attacked my career, my friendships and my relationships with passion, persistence and perseverance. Yet, having a child - SOLO (on purpose) - is something I have yet to take the initiative on.
For one, I believe every child should have their own father. I don't want to be that selfish woman who wants a child for myself and doesn't consider how not having a father will impact my little one. Giving a child all that he/she needs to succeed in life also includes giving them a father. And that's MY opinion. Again, my father didn't raise me but my grandfather was like my father (speaks back to having that male figure). And while my grandfather was great at what he did he isn't MY daddy.
I also struggle with the issue of having a child out of wedlock - although I am the product of it and I'm sure many of us, our friends and others are. However, in most cases, the birth of those children arose out of relationships that later went sour - my parents included. Maybe there were intentions to wed and they fell apart. But, here we are talking about purposefully going out to get pregnant.
Also, there is a part of me that doesn't want to go at it alone. I want to know that the child I give birth to was created out of love. I want the father there for birthing classes, during the birth, after the birth and so forth. I want that!
To add another layer, a part of me feels like I need to wait for God's signal and continue to pray to Him for guidance. Yet, I am anxious and I want what I want. But, I don't want to make a mistake and go against what God may have for me by doing it MY way.
However, like many of my friends, the clock is ticking. We will soon get to a point where we can't have kids, place ourselves in high risk pregnancy categories or, worse, have an unhealthy child. Yet, the current state of relationships has forced us to really take a deeper look at reality and acknowledge that it's possible that many of us may never get married - we will never have a complete family unit. Then what?
This isn't to knock my single mothers out there doing the darn thing. But, this is really to put the conversation on the table and generate dialogue with those women who aren't in relationships and don't see themselves being in a relationship anytime soon but want kids.
Do you go out and create your own family? Do you continue to wait? What do you do? Also, if any of you have created your own family through 'donation' please share your experience.
- fin
Yet, there are a few of us (and I include myself here) who know that we want to bear children - regardless of the status of our relationships. Many of us have considered taking the 'donation' approach so that we do not miss out on the opportunity of becoming mothers. Yet, there are so many factors that have been considered keep some of us from rushing to this decision.
For me, personally, I have always believed that I can raise a child on my own but so much comes in to play. I can sit here and tell you that if I have kids the 'donation' way that they will be loved and have a plethora of male figures to look up to. I can say that I will be the best mother for my children and really mean it. I can elaborate further and use my own life as an example - my parents didn't raise me, my grandparents did. I can provide a safe and nurturing environment for my child; I can love him/her unconditionally; I can discipline them with love; I can instill in them morals and ethics. I CAN do all of these things ... but I haven't. I haven't been able to bring myself to do so.
There are so many factors that keep me from proceeding with this desire. I have attacked my career, my friendships and my relationships with passion, persistence and perseverance. Yet, having a child - SOLO (on purpose) - is something I have yet to take the initiative on.
For one, I believe every child should have their own father. I don't want to be that selfish woman who wants a child for myself and doesn't consider how not having a father will impact my little one. Giving a child all that he/she needs to succeed in life also includes giving them a father. And that's MY opinion. Again, my father didn't raise me but my grandfather was like my father (speaks back to having that male figure). And while my grandfather was great at what he did he isn't MY daddy.
I also struggle with the issue of having a child out of wedlock - although I am the product of it and I'm sure many of us, our friends and others are. However, in most cases, the birth of those children arose out of relationships that later went sour - my parents included. Maybe there were intentions to wed and they fell apart. But, here we are talking about purposefully going out to get pregnant.
Also, there is a part of me that doesn't want to go at it alone. I want to know that the child I give birth to was created out of love. I want the father there for birthing classes, during the birth, after the birth and so forth. I want that!
To add another layer, a part of me feels like I need to wait for God's signal and continue to pray to Him for guidance. Yet, I am anxious and I want what I want. But, I don't want to make a mistake and go against what God may have for me by doing it MY way.
However, like many of my friends, the clock is ticking. We will soon get to a point where we can't have kids, place ourselves in high risk pregnancy categories or, worse, have an unhealthy child. Yet, the current state of relationships has forced us to really take a deeper look at reality and acknowledge that it's possible that many of us may never get married - we will never have a complete family unit. Then what?
This isn't to knock my single mothers out there doing the darn thing. But, this is really to put the conversation on the table and generate dialogue with those women who aren't in relationships and don't see themselves being in a relationship anytime soon but want kids.
Do you go out and create your own family? Do you continue to wait? What do you do? Also, if any of you have created your own family through 'donation' please share your experience.
- fin
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Problem Persists
In my continued efforts to 'understand' the dynamics of relationships, I picked up Hill Harper's new book The Conversation last week and have been reading it bit by bit. From what I have read thus far, the content is pretty good and real. In the book, Harper opens up with his own personal experience and questions why he is unable to connect with a woman who seems to have it all going for her - a woman of high class who would make any man's dreams come true. Yet, he doesn't allow himself to get to know this woman on a different level. And it is not his longing for a relationship that keeps him from connecting with her but it is something else - something he doesn't yet identify (because I haven't read that far into the book).
And I'm sure Hill Harper is not alone. I think we've all been in his shoes - hell, we are probably in walking in the same pair of Chuck Taylors right now. Some of us want a relationship, something real; yet we don't know how to reach that goal. Something or a combination of things hinders us from this possibility. We know we want it but we don't go out and grab it by the horns like everything else we do in life.
For those of you who want a meaningful relationship, what is keeping you from attaining that goal (other than the obvious - you need a partner)? Is it that you truly aren't ready for one - mentally and emotionally? Or are you afraid? Afraid of commitment? Afraid of being hurt and let down? Or are you simply unmotivated to put in work to get what you want?
- fin
And I'm sure Hill Harper is not alone. I think we've all been in his shoes - hell, we are probably in walking in the same pair of Chuck Taylors right now. Some of us want a relationship, something real; yet we don't know how to reach that goal. Something or a combination of things hinders us from this possibility. We know we want it but we don't go out and grab it by the horns like everything else we do in life.
For those of you who want a meaningful relationship, what is keeping you from attaining that goal (other than the obvious - you need a partner)? Is it that you truly aren't ready for one - mentally and emotionally? Or are you afraid? Afraid of commitment? Afraid of being hurt and let down? Or are you simply unmotivated to put in work to get what you want?
- fin
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Head, Head and More Head ...
**DISCLAIMER: Grown folks content follows!!**
Singing: "Head, head and more head ..." This has to be one of my favorite club songs by the infamous (and just FREAKY) Uncle Luke. Now, if you are not into oral sex then this post may not be for you. Feel free to click the 'x' in the right-hand corner and proceed to leave this site. Don't worry - I will NOT be offended.
Anyhoo ... ah ... 'head'. Wait ... let me rewind and use the correct terminology - fellatio and cunninglius - the two things that keep the world turning and a happier place to live in. lol. Oh, how we love thee!!
Speaking of which - why DO we like it so much?! Well, why do SOME of us like it so much? And I don't want the obvious reason - in your voice: "Because it feels so good". lol. I mean that is a given. Also, do you prefer oral sex over actual penetration? If so, why? Fellas, do you prefer for a woman to 'keep the change' or are you just happy that she is giving you special attention? Ladies, do some of you not even enjoy it? If not, please explain.
And, finally, if you were involved with someone who did not like the way you 'performed' orally would you be open to feedback and ways to improve your technique? lol.
- fin
Singing: "Head, head and more head ..." This has to be one of my favorite club songs by the infamous (and just FREAKY) Uncle Luke. Now, if you are not into oral sex then this post may not be for you. Feel free to click the 'x' in the right-hand corner and proceed to leave this site. Don't worry - I will NOT be offended.
Anyhoo ... ah ... 'head'. Wait ... let me rewind and use the correct terminology - fellatio and cunninglius - the two things that keep the world turning and a happier place to live in. lol. Oh, how we love thee!!
Speaking of which - why DO we like it so much?! Well, why do SOME of us like it so much? And I don't want the obvious reason - in your voice: "Because it feels so good". lol. I mean that is a given. Also, do you prefer oral sex over actual penetration? If so, why? Fellas, do you prefer for a woman to 'keep the change' or are you just happy that she is giving you special attention? Ladies, do some of you not even enjoy it? If not, please explain.
And, finally, if you were involved with someone who did not like the way you 'performed' orally would you be open to feedback and ways to improve your technique? lol.
- fin
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Point of No Return
This post really isn't meant to answer, or even debate, the age-old question about whether men and women can be platonic friends - ONLY. No, this post is really on some different shit.
Aight, here's your scenario ...
You have an attractive male friend, ladies, who you have known for years now. Initially, you thought he could be a potential 'dating' candidate but quickly learned y'all were on two different pages. So, you opted for the platonic friendship and have kept it as such for years.
Until ... this one day. You guys are at your house acting up - kicking it, laughing, playing the Wii - just ordinary 'friend' type of stuff. One thing leads to another and the next thing you know, you're straddling the man (clothes on) and kissing him. He touches you in places where you haven't been touched in a while. Heavy breathing, deep kisses, soft caresses and you guys are off to the races and start working your way towards something else. As you're getting ready to slip off your top, your conscious steps in - "what about the friendship". You pose the question to your male friend and the both of you pull back. You agree that preserving the friendship is far more important than exploring each other. You decide to keep the friendship intact and keep moving as such.
Fast forward to 2009, you and that same friend are on the phone flirting. You start talking about sex - how it has been a while for the both of you. And you guys always talk about sex but this time it is different. A few more minutes into the conversation and you begin to mentally debate whether or not you will give your friend some action. I mean ... what's the harm?! You'll screw once and then go back to being friends, right? It won't hurt anyone - he's single and you're single, you're both extremely attracted to each other and the chemistry is off the meters. So what's the problem?
Do you do it? Rather, COULD you do it? And why (to either question)?
- fin
Aight, here's your scenario ...
You have an attractive male friend, ladies, who you have known for years now. Initially, you thought he could be a potential 'dating' candidate but quickly learned y'all were on two different pages. So, you opted for the platonic friendship and have kept it as such for years.
Until ... this one day. You guys are at your house acting up - kicking it, laughing, playing the Wii - just ordinary 'friend' type of stuff. One thing leads to another and the next thing you know, you're straddling the man (clothes on) and kissing him. He touches you in places where you haven't been touched in a while. Heavy breathing, deep kisses, soft caresses and you guys are off to the races and start working your way towards something else. As you're getting ready to slip off your top, your conscious steps in - "what about the friendship". You pose the question to your male friend and the both of you pull back. You agree that preserving the friendship is far more important than exploring each other. You decide to keep the friendship intact and keep moving as such.
Fast forward to 2009, you and that same friend are on the phone flirting. You start talking about sex - how it has been a while for the both of you. And you guys always talk about sex but this time it is different. A few more minutes into the conversation and you begin to mentally debate whether or not you will give your friend some action. I mean ... what's the harm?! You'll screw once and then go back to being friends, right? It won't hurt anyone - he's single and you're single, you're both extremely attracted to each other and the chemistry is off the meters. So what's the problem?
Do you do it? Rather, COULD you do it? And why (to either question)?
- fin
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Goodwill Hunting
My grandmother and aunt are notorious for shopping at Goodwill or 'The GW' as they often refer to it. I'm not mad at them for trying to take advantage of good items that other people throw away. And I can't front - some of that stuff is in impeccable shape and looks pretty good for a 'hand me down'. But, are 'hand me downs' applicable to all things in life? Confused? Don't be. Let me explain.
You expressed interest in a certain woman you saw in your office building a few months back. You inquired about her marital status, current career and future relationship aspirations. You two talked a few times but nothing popped off and you kept it at an association level. Months pass and your boy comes to you and explains his attraction to the same chick you tried to holla at. Nothing happened between you and the chick - you never kissed, you never hugged and you never really hung out. You just exchanged flirty conversation. And it's not as if your boy is asking for your permission to converse with her. He's just letting you know.
So ... what is your response? What do you say? Do you guys believe she is considered 'hand me down' goods? Or is she fair game?
Essentially, would you holla at a man or woman whom your friend previously said they were feeling? Again, nothing ever happened physically between the two of them - just conversation and maybe a dinner. Also, if you are on the opposite end (the friend who tried to holla at the man or woman) how would you feel? Would you consider this a violation of the friendship?
- fin
You expressed interest in a certain woman you saw in your office building a few months back. You inquired about her marital status, current career and future relationship aspirations. You two talked a few times but nothing popped off and you kept it at an association level. Months pass and your boy comes to you and explains his attraction to the same chick you tried to holla at. Nothing happened between you and the chick - you never kissed, you never hugged and you never really hung out. You just exchanged flirty conversation. And it's not as if your boy is asking for your permission to converse with her. He's just letting you know.
So ... what is your response? What do you say? Do you guys believe she is considered 'hand me down' goods? Or is she fair game?
Essentially, would you holla at a man or woman whom your friend previously said they were feeling? Again, nothing ever happened physically between the two of them - just conversation and maybe a dinner. Also, if you are on the opposite end (the friend who tried to holla at the man or woman) how would you feel? Would you consider this a violation of the friendship?
- fin
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